Har har! The wedding season is here!

It’s the middle of the night, I have to doll up for two pre-wedding functions tomorrow and here I am, trying to make those dark circles more prominent. Way to go, Mia! The recipe for a sweet disposition and a decently made-up face definitely consists of late nights and late night snacking.

A part of me really doesn’t give a shit about the zits, the dark circles, the grumpy face and the angry demeanour that are sure to make me the belle of the ball. I mostly just care about the food. Weddings are an extravagant affair anyway but in India, the judgemental stares are mostly directed towards the buffet.

Me? I don’t judge. I merely stuff my face with gulab jamuns and pakodas and I’m looking forward to just that (and chilling with the cousins).

However, at times, my worn pyjamas and chinese takeaways almost manage to lure me in. Did I mention I get to binge-watch TV shows and binge-read books? I am probably the only person on the gruesome planet who is yet to watch Stranger Things.

(Yells out to the wilderness: Anybody out there in the same place as me?)

And, as of 22nd December 2016 with nine days until 2016 ends (YES FINALLY), I have ten more books to read this year if I am to complete my Goodreads Reading Challenge. I decided to read 150 books in 2016 and as I am a big fat braggadacio, I went around telling everyone about it. So far, I’ve managed to read 140 which is pretty decent. But but but, I still have a long way to go before I accomplish my goal. While I know that I’m horrible at accomplishing goals, the Goodreads Reading Challenge is something I manage to complete every year (and then brag about it of course).

As if 2016 wasn’t already a clusterfuck, Mia, the legendary bookworm who prefers to go by bookdragon because dragons are cooler than worms, won’t be completing her reading goal this year. Wow. I said that out loud. That wasn’t so bad now.

It sounded much worse.

*cue existential crisis because if I can’t read 150 books in a year, who am I even? What do I do? Stop reading altogether? WHAT IS THE POINT OF MY LIFE THEN?*

It’s not like I’m writing like I’m running out of time. To be honest, napping like I’m running out of time is more like it. I’m not even sorry because naps ftw. If only I were a wee babe again…

Also, although 2016 has certainly been a clusterfuck for the world, it’s treated me pretty okay. Sure, hell did break lose. I did fall sick and had a difficult time coping with it. But, I did plenty of awesome things too. I should write a separate appreciation post for those. 2016 has been nothing if not eventful.

As 2016 comes to an end, I am unfortunately reminded of my resolutions. Nope, not stuck to any. I’m still fat; I’ve still been inconsistent with the blog and I don’t even remember what else I had resolved to do.

The thing is, it is very easy to feel like a piece of shit due unfulfilled resolutions. But, remember, we don’t need reasons to feel like pieces of shit. We’re all trash living in a garbage bin and trying to make the best of it.

So what if I’m still fat? I’ve realised it makes me really huggable.

So what if I barely wrote anything? I know most of the Hamilton soundtrack by heart.

So what if I didn’t do something that changed the world? I am pretty sure I managed to make it at least a little better by trying to be just a little nicer.

Fuck resolutions. Let’s just raise our weary glasses to the fact that we survived Brexit, Trump and Modi’s demonetisation.

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The One Time She Called Him The C-Word…..And He Never Let It Go.

Coco(a)nutz: *cute voice* Hola! No, my name isn’t really Coco(a)nutz. THAT would be NUTS. It’s a nickname given to me by his truly. *pinches OCD* *OCD smirks* I’m Arya Chaturgoonga. *scowls* Yeah,yeah. I can already hear you giggling.

OCD: *snorts loudly* Chaturgoonga! Gets me Every.Single.Time! I’m Oscar Christian Danford. And if you haven’t yet figured out why I call her Coco(a)nutz,then you’re dumber than you look! Hehe….kidding! Okay…it’s just that she is obsessed with coconuts. *Coco plays with the coconut charm on her bracelet* And she has this weird cocoa fetish. *Her eyes glaze over as she sighs dreamily* So there! Coco(a)nutz!

Coco(a)nutz: And I call him OCD, not only because his initials coincidentally happen to be so, but also because he is literally OCD. A total Obsessive Compulsive Disorder freak. Wait and watch. *ruffles his hair adoringly*  *He swats her hands away*  *He smoothens his hair neatly and quickly*

OCD: Oi! You’re ruining my perfectly set and parted hair. And she’s totally kidding btw. Just because I’m a creature of habit and hygiene, doesn’t necessarily mean I’m literally OCD.

Coco(a)nutz: *whispers* Germs! *OCD whips out sanitizer and wet wipes and scrubs his hands frantically* * Coco smirks* Haa! Told you so. *OCD scowls*

***

Fluffy Matrix Snuffles(a.k.a the cutest teddy bear in the world):  *bone-crushing hug*  And without further delay….Dudes and dudettes…presenting Coco(a)nutz and OCD in the prompt series – ‘Cocoa Beans and Crazy’.
The following story is based on Skcully’s (that’s me, Mia) prompt ‘callipygous’. To anybody who doesn’t know what it means….*hands them a dictionary* Yes. Callipygous means having shapely,beautiful buttocks. Read on after you’ve finished giggling.

***

The One Time She Called Him The C-Word…..And He Never Let It Go.

TRRRRINGG! Arya Chaturgoonga came blazing down the street on her beloved bike Catmobile, ringing her bell vigorously. Her brunette locks, held loosely together by a red bandana, tumbled wildly all over her shoulders. With a merry tune whistling on her lips, her nose in the air, she pedaled down the road and stopped in front of his house with a loud screech of her brakes. Oscar Christian Danford scowled.
“Sweet Baby Jesus,Arya! Do you always have to enter like a freaking Banshee?” he bellowed. “I live to piss you off.”She yelled back cheerfully. He stuck his head out of the window and gave her the finger. She grinned.
“Color me surprised. Punctuality is not usually your redeeming quality, yet here you are on time. That’s a first.” “Yeah,well don’t get used to it,OCD.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it. And oh….Wipe your shoes on the rug before coming up,will you?” Arya grimaced. “Yeah,whatever. Geez…You are worse than my mother.”She muttered.
“Quite the narcissist,aren’t you?” he said,pointing at her T-shirt. It showed a smirking coconut sipping on hot cocoa with ‘COCO(A)NUTZ RULEZ’ written on it. She smiled prettily. “Using big words,huh? You see,this nerd designed it for me. The said nerd also seems to have come up with another smart-assed T-shirt.” She nodded at him. He puffed out his chest proudly, showing off his ‘SAVE WATER, DRINK BLOOD’ T-shirt.
“Already gotten into the spirit of the debate,I see. Ready,OCD?” “I was born ready,Coco. Let me just get the board. It’s on the top of that cupboard.Aaargh-” He groaned in frustration,not quite able to reach it. “Pass me that stool,Coco.”
He hopped on the stool,his head smacking against the ceiling. “Ow! Shoot…. this thing is heavy! Unhh….here. Take it.” She seemed oblivious to his trouble,her eyes glued…elsewhere. “Uh,Coco? Take this Hulk of a board,will you? And quit staring at my ass.” Her cheeks colored embarrassingly. “Don’t flatter yourself. I wasn’t.”She grunted. He smirked.“You were too.”
She snatched the board away from him and began scribbling furiously.
‘WIZARDS vs VAMPIRES’
‘Coco(a)nutz vs OCD’

She patted her pockets frantically. “Where is it? Where is it?” “Take a chill pill,Coco. What are you looking for?” “Ugh! I can’t seem to find my phone. Gimme a call quickly.”
JLO’s ‘Booty’ echoed throughout the room.
Awkward silence.
“Umm…Arya? Why have you kept ‘Booty’ as my caller ringtone?”
Big,big booty…What you got a big booty
(Work)
Big,big booty… What you got a big booty
She dove into her backpack,looking absolutely mortified. And shut off the infernal noise. She laughed weakly. “Why don’t we just start the debate?” He nodded,still looking confused.
He cleared his throat. “So,vampires have super-human strength and inhuman beauty and-” “Fat lot of good that super-human strength is if you’re Petrified. I bet Gandalf can set your vampire ass on fire.And boom…you are dead! Unless your stupid cape is fire-resistant. And inhuman beauty? Pssh. One word-Magic.”
“Immortality? Hah! Beat that.” He grinned smugly. She let out a bored yawn. “Philosopher’s Stone. Deathly Hallows. Old Bearded Wisdom. Next.”
He grinned wickedly. “Speed. You wizards may have your broomsticks and shit,but I could walk faster than you fly.” She reluctantly conceded to that. But she retaliated quickly. “Burnt in the sunlight. And sleeping in the coffins. Cough. Cough. Is it dusty in there? Say hello to the cobwebs.” “That’s a myth. We don’t get burnt in the sunlight-” “Yeah,you just sparkle like a disco ball.” He glared at her. “I meant, we wear Daylight Amulets made out of lapis lazuli to protect ourselves from sunlight.” She snorted. “Daylight Amulets that are enchanted by witches to protect your frozen butt.”
“Vampires come with the package deal of big,cold,scary and badass mansions.” “Dude,please. Just take one look at Hogwarts.”
                *Hundred light years and several heated arguments later.*

“What the! You bitch! I mean,witch! You really-”
“Oh yeah? You callipygous bastard! Avada Kedavara!”
“Wait,what? What did you call me?”
“Hmmph. You can call me a bitch but I can’t call you a bastard? Of all the hypocri-”
“No,no. What was that calli-what’s it?”
She had turned an alarming shade of pink. He flopped down to the ground, pulled out a Bounty chocolate bar (the most delicious blend of coconut and chocolate ever made,she exclaimed internally,her mouth watering.) and bit off a huge chunk,scowling. “I hate it when you do that. You promised you would stop using stupid,big-assed words like that.” She made an innocent face. “You mean pretentious words? It’s not my fault you don’t know your way around the dictionary.”
He sighed tiredly. “What the heck does it even mean?” She was suddenly fascinated by the rug,looking anywhere but at him. He huffed indignantly. “Fine. Have it your way.” She swiped his chocolate,and stuffing herself,muttered in a low voice. “Ith wath a comflimenth.” “Come again?” She blushed and whispered, “It was a compliment.”
He smiled half-heartedly. “I guess I’ll take your word for it. Now don’t get crumbs all over the floor.” She stuck her tongue out at him. He handed her dental floss. She stared at him incredulously.
“Seriously?”
“What? Dental hygiene is of utmost importan-” She cut him off with a kiss,her lips smashing fiercely against his. She sighed,her breath brushing his lips. “You taste like coconut chocolate.” He chuckled. “As do you.”
Later that night,he looked up ‘callipygous’ in the dictionary. And then his ears promptly turned beet-red. “Hmmmm….shapely and beautiful buttocks,huh?” He smirked. Time to have some fun.

    Owls….err,messages….exchanged between Coco(a)nutz and OCD.
OCD: Good night,my bootyful dudette. Oops….I meant beautiful. 😉 :*
Coco: I will pretend you did not just say that. Finally used the dictionary,huh? Also,not sleepy. Watchoo doing?
OCD: Ohh…nothing much. Just working my ass off on the Literature project. 😛
Coco: *facepalm*
OCD: You see,everyone else’s projects have turned out to be supermegafoxyawesomehot. I don’t wanna be the butt of their jokes now,do I? XP 😀
Coco: Haha…I get what you’re doing.
OCD: *devilish smirk* Do you? *sings off-key* Big,bad booty…
Coco: You’re never going to let this go,are you?
OCD: *cheerful,shameless grin* Never ever. I believe a certain somebody has to confess something.
Coco: Alright. I have a butt fetish. And that’s a mighty fine ass that you got there.
OCD: I am so flattered,Honey BUNny.
Coco:  Your booty is just asking to be spanked,if you don’t shut up! Go to sleep,you smug jackass.
OCD: LMAO. Good night to you too. Sleep tight and don’t let the vampires bite.
Coco: GuteNuit. :*
OCD: P.S- So if this were a movie….what do you think it would be named as? The Callipygian Curse…Booty Returns!
Coco: Asdhfnvdjghudjkfoskd!@#$!!!??!!
               
***
This guest post  is written by my fluffy adorable friend Sancho Nachos Panza or Suncheetah. She is the definition of demented fangirl. She will love all kinds of appreciation 🙂 Please do shower her with some.

A visit to the Gynaecologist

My uterus can be a little bitch. Whenever I get my periods, it tries to kill me. It squeezes and contracts itself to the point that I can’t function.

Stupid uterus.

This time it got so bad that I couldn’t sleep at night. I couldn’t eat properly. Nor could I read much. It hurt so terribly that me mum decided to take a leave and then dragged me to the gynac’s.

We landed at the hospital around 11. Then we waited some. And some more. And more. It felt like a lifetime but in reality it was just two hours.

Finally, I was called inside. Stripped. Argh. I have a low body image. What with the extra tummy and the jiggly bits, it’s not something that I especially love doing. But oh well, medical reasons and it’s not like the doctor who deals with lady parts has never seen them. So I stripped…

…and waited. During this second period of waiting, my brain became its normal obsessive over-thinking self. I kept on imagining other naked butts on the bed type thing where my naked butt lay.

Ewww and gross.

Finally, the real exam happened. I was asked to cough. What does coughing have to do with my vagina, I have no clue. But the doctor knows better so I went along.

(Did anyone get the Doctor Who reference there?)

Then I was asked to dress, go outside and wait some more.

Visits to the doctors are more of waiting than actual medical examinations and testing.

Then the gynac asked me to return in an hour for sonography. During that hour, I was to drink 2.5 litres of water. And not eat. Anything.

Did I mention I had had a light, early breakfast?

One hour later, my bladder was full. I really really really needed to pee. And I was starving. Starving to the point that I could eat paper and people.

Then came the sonography. Pressing something on my already full bladder in not my idea of fun. God knows how pregnant women do it.

It took every miniscule bit of my self-control to not pee on the examination table thingy.

Then the sonography was over and I could finally pee which is just what I did. The doctor prescribed some antibiotics and vitamin pills. Then I was on my way home.

I had a KitKat and then lunch. At 4. Argh. That left me with a headache which proved to be an excellent reason for taking a nap.

I realize the need to look after my lady parts. But gynac exams are definitely not my idea of fun.

An Encounter with the Quackers

The day was turning out to be boring as hell. Getting something productive done seemed to be impossible at this point. The laptop wasn’t working. There was nothing even remotely interesting on the telly. Finally when they started showing the Sherlock Holmes movie and Robert Downey Jr’s Robert Downey Jrness started consoling her poor bored self, she had to go drop her sister off at the gymnastics class.
This obviously worsened her already sour mood. She tried to cheer herself up a bit with the help of Green Day but it didn’t seem to be working. Nothing seemed to be working that day. She reached the playground and her sister ran off towards the gymnastics group leaving our girl with her extremely heavy diva bag.
She rested her ass on a bench in the lawn,her boredom levels shooting up by the minute. Now she tried The Submarines-another great band with really cheerful music. Nope. Also she could feel the sun right above her head sucking out whatever resemblance to sanity that was left with her.
She changed her place of seating as she found a piece of grassed land which provided some amount of protection from the unwanted attention of the vile vile sun. She decided to do something she was good at.
She switched on her cellphone and started reading a book.
Now, originally, she had been hesitant to read because she had already read an entire full sized young adult book that day. Her hunger for books was satiated for the day. Also, she had forgotten to carry the next book she had had queued up for reading. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. On the basis of this principle, she commenced reading the sequel of the book she had read that morning.
Ahhh. Bliss. She thought. She was worried that something would undeniably go wrong yet again. But soon, this thought was banished to the unconscious as she became entangled in the troubles of the protagonist momentarily forgetting her own.
The book was turning out to be a good read. She was completely absorbed. Even the sun seemed to give up on his efforts to torment her. To validate this claim, she looked up from her book and looked into a pair of solemn eyes.
‘You are sitting on my property. I might have to take you to court, though it pains me to do so.’ They seemed to say.
Her vision and other senses focused as the fog caused by the good book dissipated. She was still staring into those solemn eyes but, now she realized that there was a beak attached. A yellow one to be precise.
“Quack!” Said the duck with all the indignation a duck could possibly muster. All traces of solemnity had reached Timbuktu by now.
That was a mad mad duck, she thought .
“Quack!” Called out the duck to it’s companions who immediately waddled to their mate’s aid.
Now she was looking at four pairs of exasperated eyes.
“Quack!” Said all four of them in practised harmony as she jumped to her feet and moved back a few steps. All the people in the lawn burst out laughing. Not wanting to be a sore loser, she laughed at herself. She watched the four ducks waddle around in unison as they tried to intimidate the little kids who were playing around.
“Aah.” She thought. “The ducks are just playground bullies.”

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